Budget Sketch: Very boring day

Mar 13 2008 by Rob Merrick, Liverpool Daily Post

BUMPING into a Labour whip just before the Budget speech, I nervously inquired: "I suppose it will be boring, but at least it will be short?"

"Oh, no", he replied, after pausing for a second. "Boring and long". And so it proved.

This was a Budget speech that was worse than drab, on a lower plane than dismal and far, far down the scale from lifeless. It was tedious, drudging, wearisome, vapid, and all-round ghastly.

Gordon Brown delivered some spirit-sapping Budgets in his time, but compared to Mr Darling, the Prime Minister sparkled like Tommy Cooper.

As another Labour MP put it afterwards: "What a complete waste of time. Why didn't he simply put out a written statement?" It would have been one page long.

We have known for years that Mr Darling's political technique is to defuse controversy by sending his audience to sleep, but it turned out he had lowered his game for Budget Day.

As the Chancellor bored his way through confirmations of previously-known measures and announcements of future reviews, I decided the time was best spent spotting MPs slipping into a state of slumber.

First to feel drowsiness descending – after a mere five minutes – was left-wing firebrand Diane Abbott (Hackney North), whose head was on her chest. At eight minutes, Kevin Brennan (Cardiff North) was yawning.

At the 15-minute mark, Bill Wiggin (Leominster) let out a yawn a hippopotamus would be proud of and, 19 minutes later, Anne Begg (Aberdeen South) definitely closed her eyes for a few minutes.

It would be wrong to say there were no laughs in the speech. There was one – a joke about the Tories' fantasy policy on non-doms, which arrived after 30 minutes. It felt much longer.

All around me, MPs were wishing they could have lined up a more attractive way to spend the day.

By 35 minutes, most MPs were chatting to their neighbours, judging by the general hubbub. Two minutes later, even Gordon Brown was yapping away, to Cabinet colleague Douglas Alexander.

Then, reward for my keen-eyed scanning of the chamber. A famous name not simply snoozing, not merely dozing, but completely crashed out. Some proper shut-eye.

Not an MP, but a peer – Geoffrey Howe, the former Tory chancellor, up on the balcony. Now there was a man who knew how to deliver a headline-grabbing Budget, way back in 1981.

That was the one that slashed spending and hiked taxes in the depths of a recession. It might have destroyed Britain's manufacturing base – but at least it was interesting.

Of course, it is not all Mr Darling's fault. His predecessor dealt him a rotten hand.

As Gordon Brown nodded solemnly beside his Chancellor, his expression seemed to say: "Phew, glad I didn't have to deliver this Budget!"